We're Not Allowed In The Porn Store, Anymore.

Okay y’all - surely by now you have seen the picture of Cousin Eddie in our front yard, right? Yeah, man - he’s basically the coolest thing to hit 202 since Dale moved in.

(Unless you ask Slim, she’s absolutely against his whole entire existence.)

But just let me tell y’all a little something about this Cousin Eddie project - because of it, I’m about 96.7% sure that we are no longer allowed in Love Stuff.

So last Thursday we go on a spontaneous adventure for some good ass food, which for me translated to Ginger Chicken & Broccoli from P.F. Changs. I don’t remember what the hell Dale & Jason ate, but that’s neither here nor there, just minute details for dramatic effect. Anyhow...

On the way back home I’m spouting off plans and wishing I could locate a mannequin for said project, so we decide to stop in at Love Stuff - because porn stores ALWAYS have mannequins, right? I figured that maybe, just maybe, we might be able to charm the owner and come out with an old dusty ass tired ass mannequin from the shed out back. I had legit dreams here, y’all.

So, we put on our sweet faces and walk in on our mission. Jason knows the guy who owns the place, so he goes straight back to the corner to his office. I follow behind.

Dale, being the hot damn mess that she is, lolly-gags and piddle-dicks around for a minute and comes up behind us at the door of the owner’s office. I see her walk up - oh, there she is! - and I turn back around to the discussion at hand.

And it happens...

She somehow slings a hip into a stack of boxes...which would have been no big deal.

Except the box on the top fell the fuck off the stack...which would have been no big deal.

Except the contents of the box were glass, and very fragile...and everything in the box shattered when it hit the floor.

Me and Jason exchange a look of “what in the solid fuck just happened?” and turn around to see her standing there, frozen with panic. The owner rushes out of his office past us, grabs the box up off the floor and begins to open it.

...I’ll admit, at this point, I’m starting to panic.

And y’all, you can’t make this shit up...it was a box of METH PIPES. Fuckin’ meth pipes!

...and she broke the. whole. fuckin’. entire. box.

Upon seeing the contents of the box, I decide that we can’t even worry about that shit - I’m totally seeing it as divine intervention that just saved some poor asshole’s life - or at least hindered him or her from making it worse, right?

...but this is where Dale tucks tail and hauls ass out of the porn store.

...and sadly, this is also where our mannequin mission failed.

(In case you were wondering, Cousin Eddie came from the Helping Hands store in New Castle. I ventured into that establishment alone the next day.)