TP Police.

So after work today, I go to pick up my groceries as I normally do once a week. ya know, tryin' to keep a little bit of routine in all this chaos.

While I'm sitting in my truck, in pickup spot #2 at the Walmart in Lagrange, I spot not one, not two, not three, but FOUR people pushing carts that contain that fabulous teal green packaging that can only be seen wrapped around angel soft toilet paper.

I get all excited about this because my best friend has literally been to 17 stores in the last 2 days looking for TP for both our houses, and also because my VERY LAST roll was hung on the holder last night. Almost a situation.

So the lady brings my groceries out, I convince her to not make me go repark, and off I go to brave the masses, because I need TP too.

I walk a straight line back to the TP isle and when I get there, its crowded with carts and damn near wiped out. But, I don't have a cart and that makes me more nimble than the others. There's an obvious sign that says "1 package per person", I saw it, and I can read...but my best friend had been trying so diligently to find some for both of us for two days, so I wasn't about to NOT try to walk out of there with out TP for her.

I snag up two (4) packs of Angel Soft because the bigger ones were all gone, and head to the self check out lane...because nobody EVER pays attention in that lane, ammiright? No, I am wrong.

The Walmart apparently has designated TP police these days. This designated woman saw me coming before I even knew she was standing there....and boy, was she unpleasant. I mean, she really suuuuuucked.

In a very rude and condescending manner, she speaks to me like a common criminal "only one pack of toilet paaaaaper per persooooon!!!!" Damn, lady. Simmer down.

So I explain to her my situation - about how I only had one roll at home, how my best friend had looked and looked to help me out, even offered to do two separate transactions so it looked legit on record..."That's against the rulessss!"

I mean Jesus, I had two packs of 4 rolls. I'm not exactly hoarding or being greedy here. Hell, in non-pandemic-doomsday times, I buy the pack of 12.

So I look over beside Sergeant Charmin and see a box...where she had legit been taking TP away from people, and stacking the shit up beside her.

And y'all, you can't make this shit up...right there on top...is a 9 pack of Angel Soft MEGA rolls. ha!

So, I smile at this woman and nicely say..."How about I trade you these two packs of 4, for that one pack of 9?"....and before she can say no, I swapped that shit out, and sashayed my ass right over to the open check out thingy. #winning

And I may or may not have scratched my ass as I walked away for dramatic effect.

But that my friends, is how you win a coronavirus battle on a Thursday.

I've never been so thankful for ass wipe in all my life! ♥