Bigfoot Doesn't Believe In You, Either.

Today, we're gonna talk about the ever-elusive, world-reigning hide & seek champion of the woooooooooorld!

No matter what it is that you choose call him, whether it be Bigfoot, Sasquatch, Yeti, Hillbilly Beast, Holla Yella, Devil Monkey, Skunk Ape or Wood Booger - at this point, you have most likely formed an opinion on whether or not you think these big hairy creatures actually exist...for the record, this girl right here is a believer. Now, I'm not saying that I go on adventures with the sole purpose of finding bigfoots. I'm not saying that I have actually seen or encountered any bigfoots personally. I'm just saying that I have seen the video (you know the one, where this big ass thing casually sashays his big ass across a creek bed, and then turns his big ass head around and looks at the dude recording him over his big ass shoulder, and then casually meanders his big ass along his merry little big ass way, one 7' long big ass stride at a time?) Even though I carry this big heavy brain around with me all day everyday and it normally serves me well - I have no explanation or earthly idea of what that big ass creature could've been...other than a bigfoot.

Because of that, I always make it a point to practice sasquatch safety at all times - for example, I know and I make sure that those around me know how to outrun a sasquatch in the event that we should end up in sasquatchy territory and have one get after us. Knowing this shit is half the battle, and all you need to know to survive is this: squatches won't run in corn because it hurts their big feet - run into a corn field, consider yourself safe. (However, do not at any time confuse corn with soybeans - soybeans are soft, it'll speed him up. Serious business.)

I make sure to keep an eye on the tree lines when I'm out tearing up the backroads or doing primitive shit. I don't have any desire to closely encounter a devil monkey, but I totally wouldn't mind to see one...from far away...in a car...preferably with a frog gig for protection...just to be on the safe side. And I've seen Harry & The Hendersons. I've heard stories from people that I trust about squatchy situations that they've been in that couldn't be explained. Every now and then you might even see me in a shirt that says, "keep calm & squatch on" - don't judge me.

So, now that you know about my relationship with the hillbilly beast, let's talk about the show Finding Bigfoot. I'm sure you have seen or heard of it, but in a nutshell - there are these 4 "expert" people who travel around the country with their big fancy equipment, and go to these different places where there have been bigfoot sightings, they meet with the local people that claim to have seen bigfoot, they strategically find a spot where the most bigfoot sightings have taken place, and then they go post up in the woods there and attempt to find one....yada yada, so on and so forth.

All the local people meet up with this team of "experts" beforehand and tell their bigfoot stories, some of which are believable, some not so much. But the stories normally go something like this:

I was walking my dog along a creek minding my own business...

I was folding clothes and looking out the window and minding my own business...

The kids were making a video while camping and minding their own business....

I was in the woods hunting turkeys and minding my own business....

I was playing Indian music on my iPod in the building out back minding my own business, when something in the woods harmonized with a flute's b-minor flat...

The common denominator with ALL the stories is that ALL the people EVERYWHERE were MINDING THEIR OWN DAMN BUSINESS when they saw themselves a Wood Booger.

Okay - so all that being said, someone please tell me how come these 4 "experts" ALWAYS think that the best approach is to walk out into the woods and IMMEDIATELY start screaming at the top of their lungs & whacking the hell out of trees with sticks? I mean seriously, have you ever known anyone who hunts anything, to walk out in the woods and scream and whack sticks and make a big damn commotion in order to track something down, especially when every story they've ever heard tells them that they appear when shit is calm cool and collected?!

Really, I understand that there are duck calls and deer rattles and such that people use to attract whatever it is that they're hunting in a normal hunting situation - and I guess it's kind of the same idea. But these squatches have been hiding out forever, literally. I'm guessing that they are pretty damn smart since they've been outsmarting experts over and over again since at least the 1950s. I'm thinking that acting like a damn fool in the woods ain't gonna get the job done here. A better tactic would be to do something that would create curiosity or peak their interest, all the while minding your own damn business. I mean really, if I were a bigfoot - all big and smart and impressively elusive, I would probably be offended and pissed off by simple minded humans doubting my intelligence! Anyhow, I guess what I'm trying to say here is that it is okay if you don't believe in bigfoot, really - it is....because chances are they ain't been given one damn good solid reason to believe in you yet either. SQUATCH ON, PLAYA!