...And Then I Met TT.

If y’all know me or pay attention at all, you know there is one thing in my life that I am absolutely passionate about...and it’s my job.

Leaving the advertising/design/bullshit job that I’d wasted away at for 10 years of my life was the biggest, scariest decision that I’d ever made. It takes special people with special hearts to do what we do here; some people can do it and some just can’t. To be quite honest, I wasn’t real sure that I could do it, not even a little bit sure. But I took that leap of faith, made the decision, and walked myself in the front doors determined to at least give it a good effort. My intentions were only to work here until my non-compete contract was up, and then go back into the field I’d been in since my junior year of high school.

...after my first shift, I went home and cried.

...after my second shift, I went home and cried some more.

After some encouragement from a lifelong friend who had actually helped get me the job here, I decided that I wouldn’t make any rash decisions until I’d given it a solid week.

...during that first week, I met the man who called himself "TT".

...the second week, I was absolutely in love and knew that I’d never leave this place.

TT single-handedly changed my life for the better in more ways than I can possibly tell you. But I will tell you that my relationship with TT didn’t start out on the best of terms. Although he had aged and wasn’t quite the firecracker he’d been in his younger days...ol’ TT was still a handful.

...It was nothing to see me hauling ass off the suite with a gallon of milk, or a tub of butter, or a pitcher of red kool-Aid flying at my head.

...It was nothing to see me bobbin’ and weavin’ to avoid getting hit with a cup of hot coffee in the kitchen, or a soiled brief in the bathroom.

...It was nothing to see me trying to rationalize with him when his mind was made up on something that I couldn’t allow, to see him shaking me by my arms and throwing a tantrum because he was mad at me when he couldn’t get his way.

...or to see me trying to convince him with a straight face that it was not appropriate to yell, “I SHIT!” in the middle of chapel services on Sunday, because as hilarious as it may have been, I couldn’t condone or encourage that behavior.

I’ll never forget the day our relationship changed for the better. I’d been told time and time again to not underestimate him, to always keep my guard up, to never ever let him fully get a hold of me - those who knew him in his prime, well...they knew him well and knew what he was capable of. I always kept those warnings in the back of my mind and I did well for quite a while...but then the day came when I slipped, and I let that guard down. He suddenly snatched me up by my head...one hand on each side of my face, and started squeezing my poor brain. I knew at that point that I had messed up, that he had me - and my heart sank.

But TT, unpredictable as he was, pulled my head in close to his, kissed me on the forehead, and then he gently let me go. My heart, that was still at my feet, damn near exploded.

I always say that TT was the one that broke me in, and what I mean when I say that, is this:

...TT was the one that stole my heart first.

...TT gave me this passion.

...TT convinced me to stay here, humbled me, wrapped me around that little crooked finger.

...TT was the one that made me.

...they say you always fall for the bad ones, and that’s absolutely right.

After that, he very quickly became one of my best friends. He would do things for me, that he’d never do for others. We spent a solid 40 hours a week together for over a year, my whole first year here. With conversations full of “Yuh!” and “Get up!” and “Shut Up!” and “Ca-Ca!” and the best, that was the hardest to get out of him...was when I tucked him at night, laid on the edge of the bed beside him, and refused to get up until he told me “Na-Night!”

My favorite thing in the whole wide world quickly became his laugh. And I did every silly thing I could think of to make him belly laugh at least once a day. I would tickle him, I would grab and shake his funny little toes while he was in the bathtub and tell him how cute they were, pretend to fall off the couch and throw myself out in the floor as dramatic as possible...whatever it took to hear that laugh, I didn’t mind doing it.

For my whole first year, I sat beside him at dinner every evening, I gave him his bath every night, I tucked him into bed every night...and all the time in between, I loved him to the very best of my ability.

And yesterday y’all.... I lost TT.

A lot of us...we lost our TT.

I always knew that “big bo” had made me, and I always knew one day, that “big bo” would break me.

And it’s happened.

And on top of broken, I feel shitty.

I feel shitty because I didn’t make it to the hospital in time to say goodbye...but more-so because I never got to thank him for allowing me the opportunity to be his friend, for accepting me no matter what, for loving me unconditionally...for not breaking my neck the day I let my guard down.

...I didn’t get to thank him for changing me that day.

Today, I am sitting here riding a roller-coaster of my own emotions, surrounded by a hurricane of everyone else’s emotions...trying to keep it all the way together and be tough about it because that’s what I do.

...and it’s hard y’all. It’s real damn hard.

And I didn’t tell y’all this because I want sympathy from you, because I don’t. And really, I appreciate all the kind words but that’s not what I’m after either. I told y’all this because I want you to learn from my personal experience, that it really sucks when you wait too long and miss the opportunity to tell someone what they mean to you.

If there is someone out there that has made a difference in your life, someone you owe a thank you to, or just deserves a high-five of appreciation...dude, take care of that shit today. As a matter of fact, do it as soon as you possibly can - do it right now.

...because I promise you that missing the opportunity to do so, is something you’re gonna regret for the rest of your life.

-- rest easy, my buddha baby. you know who I love, bub. And I hope that right now, as I’m sitting here sad as hell, that you’re drinking a nice hot cup of damn good coffee out of a golden styrofoam cup...and I also hope that you are belly laughing at me for continuing to be a total train wreck in your absence.

Written November 29th, 2017